Money & Relationships: How to Stop Arguing

MagnifyMoney surveyed nearly 1,000 Gen Xers and millennials who are married, engaged or in a relationship. According to their findings, nearly three-fourths said they’d been upset at their partner because of a financial decision they made. 

Full survey findings: https://www.magnifymoney.com/blog/news/millennial-gen-z-relationships-survey/.  

We have all done it. You find out your spouse makes a financial decision that you don’t like, and you automatically react with anger. The anger is turning into an inevitable argument. Arguments are the perfect tool for arguing your point and are only used to make your spouse “wrong”, and you “right.” 

Although taking that victory lap in my head creates a great rush, at the same time, you are slowly tearing your relationship a part one argument at a time. 

You can approach it another way!  Consider these principles! 

Unless you are perfect, show Grace 

You’ve never made a mistake before show some Grace.  Sure, you can make your point and be heard. However, ways you go about conflict that can actually build up relationships versus tearing them apart. 

Your reaction is Key 

Your reaction can either create or tear down a trust zone. Your spouse either feels safe or not.  Repetition of that negative reaction just reinforces that feeling. What would happen if you made better choices with your reactions? 

Arguments are about making your spouse wrong and you right 

This is an old Stephen Covey principle. There is a big difference between listening to your spouse and giving them the floor first, versus making sure that your spouse knows why you think that you are right. In arguments, only your ego wins. Besides, most arguments are more about debating over opinions than facts. 

Seek first to understand, then be understood 

Remember you have a choice to seek to understand why your spouse made that financial decision without consulting with you first. Seek first to understand then be understood. 

Men lose the condescending tone 

If my wife and I would get into a disagreement, she would say, “Stop yelling at me.” That always confused me because I don't yell at my wife. It took me more than a few years to learn that you don't have to yell to get the same reaction, you just have to use a condescending tone. To your spouse, it could have the same effect as yelling.  

What do you not like about yourself? 

Generally speaking, what we don’t like in others is a direct reflection of something that we don’t like about ourselves. For example, if you don't like it when you overspend and it makes you feel guilty, you are more likely going to react negatively when your spouse spends than you think they should. In relationships, we are constantly looking in the mirror. 

 I do understand that communication is one of the hardest aspects of a relationship. Think of it as a process of building or rebuilding trust. Little by little, start choosing to react differently.  Regardless of the circumstance, you can make better choices. Things won’t change overnight.  You will also slip up from time to time. It just takes practice. Try a new approach, and after a while, you might find yourself getting a whole new result. 

Bob Brooks

Bob Brooks is a Financial Advisor and host of the Prudent Money Radio Show, heard every weekday from 4:30 PM - 5:00 PM on FM Radio 91.3 KDKR.

For questions and or comments, feel free to contact Bob at info@prudentmoney.com